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My
mother taught me all
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."
2.
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
3.
My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you!
Don't talk back to me!"
4.
My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck,
your not going to the store with me."
5.
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
to freeze that way."
6.
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get
a good job."
7
My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come
running to me."
8
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow
up."
9.
My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."
10.
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
11.
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
12.
And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just
like you....Then you'll see what it's like."
25
Ways To Confuse Your Professors.
1. Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your
hand as if you have a question, and mumble your question incoherently
while brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the place. If
your professor objects to your actions, go on a tirade about
proper oral hygiene.
2. Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to
get as far away from your professor as possible. While he/she
is lecturing, shout out things like, "What!?" and
"Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your professor advises
you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't because
you're scouting the room for "assassins."
3. If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone
else, and bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress,
and an alarm clock. Wear your pajamas. Lie down on the air
mattress with the pillow and the blankets and act like you're
asleep. Have the alarm set for about two minutes into class.
When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the "snooze"
button and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration
of the class.
4. Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple.
Try to get him/her to "prove" everything to you.
Rant and rave about what a big liar your professor is. Yell
at students who are taking notes, saying, "Stop writing
down all these lies!"
5. Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the
room on a bicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash
into the blackboard. Get up, take a seat, and act like nothing
happened. Do this every day.
6. Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk.
Burn notebooks, papers, or whatever you have handy. Whenever
you start a fire, no matter how small it is, start yelling,
"Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a panic.
Don't return for the rest of class.
7. Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor
to take attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your
name. Halfway through class, jump out and yell, "Just
kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!" Sit down and be
quiet for the rest of class.
8. Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair.
Throughout class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why
me?" and "Please kill me!" Get up during class,
like your going to miraculously start walking. Instead, fall
down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you back
up. When class is over, say, "I feel better now,"
leap up, and run home.
9. Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes
into class, release the hornets, scream, and run away.
10. Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand
up and start using it. If your professor objects, explain
that you "can't stand sitting in this pigsty any longer."
Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.
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